'When you first began your journey of self-sex, were you tempted…tested?'
Question from Rachel
My sexual journey began with self sex, as does nearly everyone’s. Masturbation with and without partners has always been essential to my sexuality and my idea about it.
Then something happened...which I describe in my “three readings” post (see Book of Blue). I was prepared for both less sex and then two years of celibacy. My body and soul were calling for this and the clarity I knew it would bring. Once I acknowledged this, women began cooperating and many knew intuitively how to assist.
I cannot even describe the beauty of exploring conscious no in a relationship with a woman…but I try in Book of Blue. It is such an unusual, gorgeous frontier of intimacy and pleasure.
I embarked on that consciously at the beginning of Book of Blue. That was in about 2005. This coincided with becoming acquainted with many women in more or less intimate, more or less sexual, contexts. I also began to feel the magnetism of the need to be celibate for a period of time.
Over the next 15 years, I made many attempts, longer and longer...starting with six weeks and then another six and another six...finally up to about 1.5 years in 2016-2017 (see my essay A Year and a Day). Through this time, I opened up to the women in my life about what I was doing. This began an experiment in what I would call negotiated denial of sex. I got to experience first the boundary; and then my choice; and the women got to experience and explore the conscious power of no, where this became a deeply pleasurable exploration for both of us.
The women learned to surrender to their no, and to the deep pleasure of guiltlessly denying a man sex, and who witnessed how this pushed me deeper into my own ecstasy and self-surrender. They held a boundary that became the ecstatic bliss of ultimately getting to that spot where I went from being denied, to the pleasure of being denied, and then choosing myself. This ritual process leads to the raw power of my statement, “I am a mirror celibate self-semen drinker.” And: “I thirst for cunt and drink myself.” And: “I thirst for myself” (openly, and then privately).
The ability for me to be denied the vulva and for a woman to bring that to a fully conscious level of a gift and holding that space together goes beyond any commonly known concept of sexuality or consent. The beauty is held in the sheer honesty of the exchange.
The cum mirror is a kind of ever-present artifact of my choice and my journey. The original mantra of the cum mirror is, “I have made a mess and I will clean it up.” It is also the reflection of not just my desire but my desperation reflected back to me. In my relationships, we understand that my mirror is my cunnilingus.
When I would share my cum mirror with a lover, the sensation was one of having no choice other than declaring and accepting my mirror celibacy — or to moving in that direction. It is obvious what this mirror is, and how deep the experience goes. When you look at it, the tongue streaks are plain to see. The affirmation I have experienced from women (who have held my mirror to my face, and to my mouth), and the self-affirmation I have dared to give myself, have been unbearably beautiful. It is obvious how disgusting this is, in one sense, and in another, how necessary.
The semen left on the mirror was from times when I could not accept myself and left that for some time in the future. So my arrangement is: no guilt, lick yourself next time. The truth of the mirror is to be open about navigating this ambivalence. All semen on the mirror goes back into my body. (See the last image below for the mirror in a more licked-backs state.) Several women have of their own accord licked the mirror in front of me. I would never ask someone to do that.
I continued to have intimate relationships through this whole phase, though the relationships had the theme of deepening my mirror masturbation and the women became what I call “thresholders.” They understood what I was doing; we shared the space, and explored the boundary, that frontier. So this was a very intimate form of self-aware celibacy. Adding the fully conscious act of self-completion — the Ritual of Atum — self-semen drinking as an act of creating the universe — made it more daring and intimate.
There were lovers with whom our whole journey involved my conscious desire for them, not getting to experience them with physical contact, deeply exploring the main feature of my sexuality which is cunt thirst, and then they would hold the mirror for my gradual surrender and orgasm; sometimes naked, sometimes dressed; allowing me to beg for vagina and to deeply feel not having; and being with me while I confessed my self thirst and smelled and drank my semen.
I would then have these experiences alone; and then with a lover or sometimes a male-female couple; and occasionally with a man. One of my deepest joys is masturbating with another man’s semen. When I get to experience this, it has often felt like the most profound sex I have ever had...where he ejaculates into my hand specifically so I may pleasure myself with his cum.
Along the way there have been women who were able to lure me out of my celibacy knowing how deeply my thirst for their vulva water went. Those were acts of profound surrender where I would drink them, and drink deeply.
With them I would always be fully present for my masturbation and often for theirs in these experiences. I take deep pleasure in other people masturbating in my presence and it always makes me want to go deeper, into myself, into my self thirst, and into my intimacy with them.
My last taste of vagina or fucking was four years ago this month, in May 2022. Since then, I have masturbated in the presence of both men and women, sometimes together, sometimes just me into the mirror with them as their presence. If you look at Book of Blue in this context, the experiences I describe make much more sense.
I have more to add about drinking the semen of other men as part of this experience, though I am written out for now. However, though this process, I have become more deeply and openly honest about my need and desire to do so. This honesty comes with such a beautiful depth of pleasure and self-acceptance. I don’t know if I will ever do it again. I deeply want a woman to watch, feel and see me accept another man. I don’t know if this will ever happen, either. But it is a beautiful thought.
Eric, I sit here in awe after reading about your 4 year anniversary. When I asked to share, it was this very process of ritual and the profound depth of desire. The opening of the masturbation space in such relational intimacy is mind blowing. It creates a conceptual wholeness that stretches the boundaries of self awareness. The fluid play and the puncturing of shame is masterful in allowing the moment of disgust be penetrated and delayed as you sloth the energetic remanants of momentary shame. Thank you for such clarity and documentation.
Eric, responded to your email about tantrica recording. It bounced back to here. I would love to hear it. As for your masturbation exploits into self love, I feel a kinship as a counterpart self (ala the Seth material) that generates a sense of compression. The path not as realized but so familiar.