was grounded in the truth that this setup was my masturbation mirror and that I fucked that dildo and saw my face and licked my semen off of the mirror; which implied that I would orgasm standing there, or kneeling up in front of myself.
I will add this and I welcome thoughts. My sexual journey began with self sex, as does nearly everyone's. Masturbation with and without partners has always been essential to my sexuality and my idea about it.
Then something happened...which I describe in my "three readings" post (see below). I was prepared for both less sex and then two years of celibacy. I embarked on that consciously at the beginning of Book of Blue. That was in about 2005. This coincided with becoming acquainted with many women in more or less intimate, more or less sexual, contexts. I also began to feel the magnetism of the need to be celibate for a period of time.
Over the next 15 years, I made many attempts, longer and longer...starting with six weeks and then another six and another six...finally up to about 1.5 years in 2016-2017 (see my essay A Year and a Day). Through this time, I opened up to the women in my life about what I was doing. This began an experiment in what I would call negotiated denial of sex. I got to experience first the boundary, and then my choice; and the women got to experience and explore the conscious power of no, where this became a deeply pleasurable exploration for both of us.
I continued to have intimate relationships, though the relationships had the theme of deepening my mirror masturbation and the women became what I call "thresholders." They understood what I was doing; we shared the space, and explored the boundary, that frontier. So this was a very intimate form of self-aware celibacy. Adding the fully conscious act of self-completion — the Ritual of Atum — self-semen drinking — made it more daring and intimate.
There were lovers with whom our whole journey involved my conscious desire for them, not getting to experience them with physical contact, deeply exploring the main feature of my sexuality which is cunt thirst, and then they would hold the mirror for my gradual surrender and orgasm; sometimes naked, sometimes dressed; allowing me to beg for vagina and to deeply feel not having; and being with me while I confessed my self thirst and smelled and drank my semen.
I would then have these experiences alone; and then with a lover or sometimes a male-female couple; and occasionally with a man. One of my deepest joys is masturbating with another man's semen. When I get to experience this, it has often felt like the most profound sex I have ever had...where he ejaculates into my hand specifically so I may pleasure myself with his cum.
Along the way there have been women who were able to lure me out of my celibacy knowing how deeply my thirst for their vulva water went. Those were acts of profound surrender; and I would always be fully present for my masturbation and often for theirs in these experiences. I take deep pleasure in other people masturbating in my presence and it always makes me want to go deeper, into myself, into my self thirst, and into my intimacy with them.
My last taste of vagina or fucking was four years ago this month, in May 2022. Since then, I have masturbated in the presence of both men and women, sometimes together, sometimes just me into the mirror with them as their presence. If you look at Book of Blue in this context, the experiences I describe make much more sense.
I have more to add about drinking the semen of other men as part of this experience, though I am written out for now.
She knew this is what I needed, to be held into myself...and I know that she needed to test the water of denying me sex. She was the kind of woman who would just give herself over when she was desired, and in our exchange she had the opportunity to explore the pleasure of no.
Vera was testing me. she understood what I was being called to experience. she was a very good friend that way...she knew how to keep me centered in myself and trusted me enough to taunt me like this.
was grounded in the truth that this setup was my masturbation mirror and that I fucked that dildo and saw my face and licked my semen off of the mirror; which implied that I would orgasm standing there, or kneeling up in front of myself.
When you first began your journey of self-sex, were you tempted…tested?
I will add this and I welcome thoughts. My sexual journey began with self sex, as does nearly everyone's. Masturbation with and without partners has always been essential to my sexuality and my idea about it.
Then something happened...which I describe in my "three readings" post (see below). I was prepared for both less sex and then two years of celibacy. I embarked on that consciously at the beginning of Book of Blue. That was in about 2005. This coincided with becoming acquainted with many women in more or less intimate, more or less sexual, contexts. I also began to feel the magnetism of the need to be celibate for a period of time.
Over the next 15 years, I made many attempts, longer and longer...starting with six weeks and then another six and another six...finally up to about 1.5 years in 2016-2017 (see my essay A Year and a Day). Through this time, I opened up to the women in my life about what I was doing. This began an experiment in what I would call negotiated denial of sex. I got to experience first the boundary, and then my choice; and the women got to experience and explore the conscious power of no, where this became a deeply pleasurable exploration for both of us.
I continued to have intimate relationships, though the relationships had the theme of deepening my mirror masturbation and the women became what I call "thresholders." They understood what I was doing; we shared the space, and explored the boundary, that frontier. So this was a very intimate form of self-aware celibacy. Adding the fully conscious act of self-completion — the Ritual of Atum — self-semen drinking — made it more daring and intimate.
There were lovers with whom our whole journey involved my conscious desire for them, not getting to experience them with physical contact, deeply exploring the main feature of my sexuality which is cunt thirst, and then they would hold the mirror for my gradual surrender and orgasm; sometimes naked, sometimes dressed; allowing me to beg for vagina and to deeply feel not having; and being with me while I confessed my self thirst and smelled and drank my semen.
I would then have these experiences alone; and then with a lover or sometimes a male-female couple; and occasionally with a man. One of my deepest joys is masturbating with another man's semen. When I get to experience this, it has often felt like the most profound sex I have ever had...where he ejaculates into my hand specifically so I may pleasure myself with his cum.
Along the way there have been women who were able to lure me out of my celibacy knowing how deeply my thirst for their vulva water went. Those were acts of profound surrender; and I would always be fully present for my masturbation and often for theirs in these experiences. I take deep pleasure in other people masturbating in my presence and it always makes me want to go deeper, into myself, into my self thirst, and into my intimacy with them.
My last taste of vagina or fucking was four years ago this month, in May 2022. Since then, I have masturbated in the presence of both men and women, sometimes together, sometimes just me into the mirror with them as their presence. If you look at Book of Blue in this context, the experiences I describe make much more sense.
I have more to add about drinking the semen of other men as part of this experience, though I am written out for now.
She knew this is what I needed, to be held into myself...and I know that she needed to test the water of denying me sex. She was the kind of woman who would just give herself over when she was desired, and in our exchange she had the opportunity to explore the pleasure of no.
Vera was testing me. she understood what I was being called to experience. she was a very good friend that way...she knew how to keep me centered in myself and trusted me enough to taunt me like this.