Curated
“What’s this about giving up pussy?” Ben asked.
Continued from Circle of Self
“They had fun and want to play some more,” Simone said, referring to Ben and Kai. Simone was the last to leave after our Sunday ritual. “Kai said they’re going to try that alone with one another.” I knew what she meant. “Also he came up with a name for it…Dutch treat. They’re also planning to try it with other boys.”
She sat down at my desk and rolled a joint, passed it to me and struck a match. I loved that she used matches. I was still naked from the afternoon’s activities, feeling no special need to put on clothing. I took one drag and passed it back. She hit it again and put it out, knowing I wouldn’t want more.
She collected her stuff and kissed me on the cheek. “Have fun,” she said, leaving me in my mirrored space feeling so many different things; swimming in astral visions of what had happened there. It was getting dusky as she slipped out of the studio, down the stairs, through the gallery and out to the street.
A few days later, my phone rang…it was Simone…seeing if I was available Sunday for a gathering at Kai’s studio. In fact I was. “OK, bring your mirror, or two, 11 am.”
Sunday arrived. The sky was low and a little gloomy.
He was down in New Paltz, behind town on Water St. Educationally Kai was a recent product of the one functioning department of the campus there. He lived with Ben in a kind of loft that his father was covering for two years after graduation while he got his artistic career moving. His work was stunning — large, almost overpowering, with bold colors and totally abstract. Ben served as a kind of studio assistant, friend/boyfriend, and social liaison.
Simone reminded me of a cat who roamed from art studio to art studio. Two pervy bisexual boys! What a summary.
“We have a little plan,” she said, sitting at a little kitchen table. Ben nodded; Kai was tidying up after a painting session. “I think after our experience Sunday they understand you…they are men.”
I noticed that there were squares of chocolate on a small handmade dish.
“There’s an element of surprise, if you’re willing to come for the trip.”
I found myself reaching for the confections. “One, two or three,” Ben said. “Mushroom chocolates. I made them myself.”
I chose two. Simone chose two. Kai came over and ate two. Ben said he was going to the the designated not-tripping person, adding, “Don’t worry, I’ll have fun.” We munched them down and continued the conversation.
I looked around the room. Past the painting area was an open space, a big futon on the floor, and a sheet mirror against the wall.
“Hey, I’d like to see one of your mirrors,” Ben said casually, meaning cum mirrors.
“Okay.”
I reached into my leather bag and placed one of them on the table. The three of us sat and looked at it for a while. Light from a window splashed across the table, giving it a three-dimensional feeling…as if the shapes were popping up like a hologram.
Then it dawned on me what we were looking at. In the slow, luminous silence, I began to have visceral memories of this mirror, including from a selfloving session right after I woke up. There was no hiding what this thing was….the truth of its existence, and by metaphor, my existence.
“Look, that’s one long spurt, partly licked back,” Simone said. “You must have let it dry before trying to eat it.”
“What’s this about giving up pussy?” Ben asked.
“He tells this to some of the girls,” Simone said. “I was talking with Velocity about how desperate this makes you,” she added, turning to me. A surge of chaos went through me knowing that such discussions happened without me present. I melted into a delighting helplessness.
“Mirror celibacy.” I barely mumbled the words.
“What’s that?” Ben asked.
“It came to me in a dream. You’re going to be mirror celibate. You are surrendering yoni.” The implication was…for good. I did not believe it; or I could not. I would never ask for that. A little jolt of terror went through me as I said the words.
I had what I can only describe as a flash frame experience of being in different inner spaces in the future spaced over years, shown to me quickly. The mere notion of no pussy was mind-spinning, but it did not stop there. In the first flash I was masturbating with two women, who would encourage me to take myself back into my body. In the next I was facing the mirror alone, and knew I would only orgasm alone, and take all of my semen back into my body without encouragement.
Then I would only lick old semen, with no new ejaculations…I would take my sexuality to a still point. No fucking, no vulva, no cunnilingus, no orgasm; this would eventually translate into…erotic silence.
These scenes and the accompanying feelings moved through me in one extended moment…it had happened before and was happening again. This, as I gazed into a little plate of crusted and partly licked back ejaculations.
Ben and Simone spoke at the same time. “I help him,” Simone said. ‘What are you thinking?” Ben asked. I could feel their soft compassion for my situation…for my future journey.
Ben looked a Simone. “It’s easier if I hold his cum mirror. He’s more honest with himself about what he needs.”
“Why does…the mirror exist?” Ben asked.
“I cum to the desire to drink myself and then after I orgasm, I don’t want it. I’m ashamed. I reject myself. I can leave my orgasm there and then come back when I want myself again.”
“You’re learning to accept you,” Simone said. “And I know you delight in your shame. I know that feeling. Usually women feel it and men cannot stand to. It’s the secret pleasure of women.”
The effect of the mushroom chocolate was a lucid state, a everything a little liquid, such unusual light and the feeling of moving under water. Every experience seemed divinely orchestrated…and meaningful…flowing…
“I think it’s time to go over to the bed.” The voice was Kai’s. I stood up slowly, walked over and laid down in a heap of pillows. The men removed my clothing as Simone undressed. She leaned and whispered into my ear. “Just let it happen. Feel good about who you are.” Her voice was that of the universe.
She spread her legs into the sheet of mirror. Then she was holding my cum mirror to my face to see, smell and lick.
“I’ve got this whenever you need it,” she said, gently, gently, underwater. “I’m right here. Show us how you lick yourself.”
I was kneeling up, facing naked into the sheet mirror, as naked Simone held my cum mirror. I was slowly moistening a thick cake of myself from some time in the past, probably the accumulation of many releases.
She held the mirror patiently as I licked free a little chunk of my dried cum, and when it gave way it melted into my mouth and surge of orgasmic energy ran through me.
“He works himself into a frenzy like this. We’ve done it lots of times,” she said. “Then I help him get his fresh spill into his mouth. Actually other girls do too…Sherry and Ruby and Fae. We’ve actually talked about it. Velocity is too disgusted.”
This, as my cum melted into my body. She knew I loved that kind of hot talk. I looked up at my own face in the sheet mirror and could see myself fully observed, with Simone right there and Ben and Kye behind me as if floating in the near-distance. I understood when I looked in the mirror, my emotions were entirely transparent. What I could feel, everyone could feel about me, and right now that was thirst for myself, a spiraling need to have my semen in my mouth.
And a simultaneous need to be penetrated…to be filled…
My desire became so intense that I felt it activate something in the universe. Suddenly everything began to move and me with it. I was on my back. All I could see was white light. My knees were pushed apart. Strong, slippery hands pulled apart my ass and fingers gently probed. A confident hand pulled up my balls and erect cock, exposing my ass and perineum. I delicate line of pinpricks drew a line from my balls to my ass, where a vagina might open up. The hands felt like Simone. I spun in the bliss of submission.
Then my ass was fucked with something…fingers, a dildo, I don’t think a penis…stretching me open and filling me such that I had to relax more deeply.
My spattered mirror floated above my face…I could smell my scent, and I opened my eyes, to see my face amidst the licked-back layers of cum. I dove in with my lips and tongue again and my ancient ecstasy melted into my mouth. This was all drawing me into a thirst frenzy and I could feel that hot thread growing stronger within me.
My cum mirror was withdrawn and then there was a penis near my mouth. I was already deep in my thirst for myself, my body full and burgeoning with my own impending orgasm. I understood what was planned for me. My whole body thirsted for semen.
I allowed myself to feel my desperation of thirst…and the penis withdrew from me. I relaxed into my thirst, and it came closer…I could not tell Kai or Ben…I relaxed and opened my mouth. A hand on my chin positioned me…and kept my mouth open…
I heard Simone say so gently, “Oh, good.”
At which I experienced the first long, warm cord of semen enter my mouth, thick and fresh with ancient fulfillment. He tasted exactly like me…but different…
As I swallowed, another burst splashed on my lips and face, dripping down to my chin. I opened my mouth quickly to receive more and I did, swallowing. I felt Simone holding me and realized my eyes were again closed. I opened them to see Kai’s face in the middle of self-given orgasm. I latched onto the tip of his penis with my lips, and another long spurt of semen reached my mouth, tongue and throat. As I swallowed, I understood he had masturbated to orgasm into my mouth. He spurted again and again with the full vitality of a young man, and everyone saw me drink him in.
When he was finished and I was swirling in the understanding of what I had just done, Simone held a mirror to my face so I could see my expression and the sight of his splashed semen on my mouth, chin and cheeks.
“No wiping up!” she said.
With my face still cool from Kai’s drying cum, and my mouth and lips coated with his familiar but unfamiliar flavor, Simone set up me and Ben kneeling face to face, knees apart and just barely touching. We were naked and I felt very naked…and our stiff penises were reaching up toward one another like plants growing toward the light.
Kai was sitting a little further back, observing the scene.
My sense of helpless vulnerability reminded me that I was tripping, blessed in the soft afternoon light.
“I know you love to masturbate with semen,” Simone said, describing the truth. She also knew I love direct speaking of sexual intentions. “So you can. But first you have to ask.” My gaze moved from Simone’s face to Ben’s. I was about to ask him to masturbate into my hands so I could masturbate with his fresh semen.
The thought of saying the words seemed…like leaping into an abyss. I hesitated for what felt like forever. We all waited. I waited for myself.
“Ben…would you…please…
…spurt into my hands so I can…masturbate…
…with your cum?”
Another pause.
“I’ll do that,” he said. “Right now. Let’s do this.”
Simone scooted over to him and invited him to touch her dripping pussy and moisten his hand, then the other. A ritual space opened between us, as if something ancient was about to occur. I could see what a dreamy gorgeous masturbator he revealed himself to be.
“Hold out your hands.”
He was doing this for me. I did as he asked.
“It will feel good to say thank you.” The voice was Simone’s.
“Thank you for what you’re giving me Ben.” What he was giving me was the demonstration and expression of his wholly forgiven selflove.
I watched his pretty pretty face express his feelings as my hands received each spurt of his orgasm, given for the expressed purpose of my masturbation. In a fleeting moment of self comprehension I understood what was happening…as I watched his face cum in bliss of spilling his passion into my hands his face so so so so so so gorgeous
I smelled and tasted his fresh cum, taking a gulp that partly fulfilled me and partly reminded me why I was doing this at all…and masturbated using his hot abundant alive so so so so good as the world rippled in color.
I looked to Simone.
She appeared to speak in slow motion as I jacked off with Benjamin’s slippery, hot goo in infantile bliss, massaging my cock and balls…spinning…swimming…my vision distorted…
Feel good… — Simone
Mas tur ba tion — my own voice speaking out loud
Everyone in the room became remove and distant…their voices echoes on a the event horizon.
My cum mirror was against my face and everyone was drawn back out of proximity. I smelled like life to myself and licked my mud as my penis slipped and pumped ecstatically in Ben’s cum and my voice called out my infantile delight.
“He should look.” That was Kai.
“Open your eyes Eric.” That was Simone.
I looked and saw my bewildered expression, my face slick, my lips and mouth wet. My eyes craving and desperate.
Then a finger penetrated me from behind and my eyes burst open and my body began to throb around the strong support deep in my core. Fascinated, I watched my face receive the emotion of penetration, flaring and flowing through me as my face glowed in a shimming auric rainbow of morphing color and expression.
Then there was a hand against my mouth…not my own, my chin dropped and my mouth opened and warm thick wetness spilled into my mouth as I gulped. And again…and again…now licking…
I was suddenly back in the room, still swallowing, licking my lips and smelling the mixture of semen on my face, my neck, my hair.
Then I collapsed in a little ball onto the bed. Someone covered me. I entered a hazy dream trance that seemed to last forever. Into this black dreamspace the sound of Simone’s sweet little grunts of pleasure floated into my awareness, a sound I had never heard. She was being fucked, I knew it was by Kai, and their delight seemed to stretch out endlessly. As they interpenetrated one another, I imagined Benjamin facing into the big mirror making love to himself witnessing Simone and Kai lost and swimming within one another in the reflection.
